Distinguished facul ty, impoverished parents and mem bers of the Class of 2006, welcome.

You will, no doubt, notice we do not have a commencement speaker, as such.

With the rising cost of an education, the admin istration felt sure that you would prefer your hard-earned tuition dollars go for something of lasting value, like our just-completed Alumni and Parents Memorial Faculty Lounge and Piano Bar, rather than some flashy celebrity speaker to whom we would have had to offer limo service and an appropriately fulsome certificate to go with his or her doctor of humane letters degree, honorus causa. Do you have any idea how much Kinkos wants to print those things?

There was also the fact that no one could agree on who to get to give the speech. Members of the Alumni Association pushed for a member of the Bush administration, the faculty wanted any Latin American leader who had threatened to nationalize his country's oil supply, and each side said they would boycott the ceremony if they did n't get their way.

As for the choice of the senior class, we are sorry to inform you that Miss Lindsay Lohan has informed us she has a prior commitment. Therefore we hope you will enjoy the all-new Generic Commencement Address 2.0, an all-pur pose speech for any and all graduation activities from pre-school to Naval War College.

So if you will look up at the Powerpoint screen on the podium, put on your earbuds and make your selections on the number pad on the seat back in front of you, we can all have the gradua tion speech we want.

As I look out today upon

Your smiling faces

Your hopeful expres sions

Your world-weary countenances

Your hangovers

I am reminded of a story.

1. Mildly risqu'e9 joke that will offend women and most minorities.

2. Clich'e9 gleaned from graduation speech I heard 40 years ago. 3. Ego-boosting anec dote of an encounter with someone more famous.

4. Actual funny story. (Available for small extra charge.)

But seriously, let us ask ourselves, what is a commencement? Webster says it's a:

beginning.

start.

synonym for graduation.

realization you won't be able to schedule all afternoon classes in the real world.

Let me tell you, then, the guiding principle in my own life that has made me what I am today:

Ambition, drive and hard work -- are very overrated.

Picking very rich parents.

Marrying the boss's daughter, son, ex-wife.

Ambition, drive and hard work are actually an unbeatable combination. But greed, trickery and an excellent attorney on retainer are pretty good, too.

So, in conclusion, let me just say to the class of 2006:

Goodbye and the best of luck to you.

Considering the state of the world, you have your work cut out for you.

Bill Gates is stepping down so you might want to polish up that old resume.

I was told there would be an open bar.

TOM REILLY is a Sun Chronicle news editor whose commencement speaker, Art Buchwald, who is now very ill, said he hoped we would remember his address by saying, `` I laughed.'' I did. He can be reached at treilly(at)(at)thesunchronicle.com or at 508-236-0332.