August 12

Dear neighbors, spending the summer in ______.

You will note that I am leaving blank some highly sensitive areas of this e-mail to make sure we do not add grist to the government's assuredly bulging dossier on our activities.

As you must know from reading ______, the newspaper that serves your, ahem, foreign vacation spot, Congress was so hell-bent on closing shop and scampering to the beach house that members caved to President ______, OK'ing interception without warrant, court supervision or accountability any phone call or e-mail that moves in, out of or through the United States as long as there is a "reasonable belief" that one party is not in the United States.

Well, you and I know there is reasonable belief that you are not here. The evidence is everywhere. Your garden, despite the best efforts of your friend ______, is becoming a bit shaggy and there have been no boisterous parties for the last five weeks. I miss you.

I am sorry if my e-mail to you in any way draws attention to the fact that you are vacationing outside the confines of the United States. And, by the way, how did you ever get your passports approved???

No doubt ______, your mom would be incredibly distressed to have authorities show up at the door of her country home in beautiful ______ simply because my note to you in some way piqued the interest of the counterintelligence folks in D.C.

So it is with trepidation that I admit I fell asleep the other day on the front porch wicker, a highly suspect activity in a neighborhood of central-air aficionados. I was reading about a dangerous subject. Love.

Honest, President ______, I was neither smoking pot nor exhausted from being out too late the night before involved in clandestine activities. Just blitzed. But, no, no, not lazy. Always ready to serve, boss.

I hope, dear friends, you have found your mom healthy and I hope you say hi for me to your brother ______. Tell him I enjoy his website postings of, oops, I almost said it, his fascinating ______ designs.

Things here have been quiet since our neighbors ______ and ______ are also away, out of the country. ______ is enjoying his porch, too, sipping chocolate milk with Jim Bean rye (oops, I mean his plain American-made ginger ale) and our friend, ______, predictably, is succumbing to the invasion of crab grass.

Of course I dare not mention his name for fear the city fathers will slap homeowner dereliction of duty notices on his door, once this e-mail has been re-routed from the CIA to city hall here.

My daughter's wedding in ______ was beautiful. The newlyweds are vacationing in ______. I look forward to seeing them, but have cautioned them against e-mailing photos since they are in a foreign country.

Don't want the fashion police waiting at the arrival gates, with a subpoena for revealing strapless gown offenses. And wait, wasn't ______ puffing on a Cuban cigar? Now I've done it, blabbed far too much. My friends, you know because you are both in the field of ______ and stay abreast of current events, the new snoop law would let Big Brother intercept, without warrant, every communication into or out of any country. My own theory is this: The postal service is going broke with Internet competition and this is a way to get people to start writing paper letters again. With expensive stamps affixed. But that's just a theory.

Besides, why are we all so naive as to think the government needs any change in law to invade our privacy?

So I will close this e-mail without going into details of my daily political conversations at my favorite coffeeshop ______, where students with purple hair reconnoiter with business types and housewives.

I will skip minutiae on the philosophy café at ______ . Next we will discuss ______. I can hardly wait. It's so subversive. We may start meeting in the basement to avoid suspicion, or maybe just because it's cooler.

Let's get together with ______ and ______ when you return and share a good bottle of ______.

Lots of love from ______

Important PS. Please deep-clean this from your computer. And no need to reply.

BETSY SHEA-TAYLOR, a former Sun Chronicle writer and editor, is a freelance writer. She can be reached at prosewing@aol.com.