EASTON -- Parents can feel like a turkey in a pressure cooker during the holidays.

Making sure the goods are prepared or bought for school and office parties, cleaning and preparing for home entertaining, scheduling parties, making plans for family visits, getting gifts, mailing those holiday cards, packing for the holiday trips...and the list goes on.

With the build-up of the season leading to what is billed as the "most wonderful day of the year," is it any wonder that many children experience a not-so-jolly meltdown?

"As stressed out as you are, they are three times more stressed," said Natasha Edelhaus, a marriage and family therapist.

Parents can help head off those holiday headaches for themselves and their children by examining their own expectations and being aware of their own stress levels, said Edelhaus, who works for Community Care Services in Attleboro and has a practice in Stoughton. In addition, the less stressed the children are, the less stressed parents will feel.

Edelhaus recently led a discussion at the Children's Museum in Easton about the challenges that face parents and caregivers, particularly with the holidays ahead.

Helpful tips

Here are some of the tips for happier holidays offered by Edelhaus, parents and pre-school teachers who attended the workshop.

Don't set expectations too high for yourself or your children - it could be a setup for failure. Don't expect your child to be "postcard perfect." It can be unreasonable, for example, to expect a child to sit at the holiday dinner table, listen to conversation and be polite for an extended length of time.

Don't assume social skills come naturally to kids, just as they don't come naturally to adults.

Nonetheless, good manners can be practiced ahead of time - like passing food appropriately or saying "please" and "thank you," taking turns in conversation and eating with your mouth closed. Talk ahead of time about what to say if there's a food that they don't like.

Rehearse social skills; model good behavior for your children to emulate. For younger children, ages 3-6, play "I Spy Good Manners." Each time you or someone else notices good manners, say "I Spy Good Manners."

You can also teach some "secret reminders," or non-verbal gestures, that you and your child can use to communicate when others are around. You don't want to embarrass the child because they will just start acting worse.

Be patient, manners, like habits, take time to learn. Handle disappointment as an opportunity for growth and re-evaluation. Talk to your child about what was difficult, say, about remembering to eat with his or her mouth closed. You can tell him or her about a time when you forgot to use your good manners and used it as an opportunity to learn. Children need to know their parents aren't perfect either. Allow your child to have some say about what goes on. For example, if he or she is worried about new toys being played with by others, they can be put away in a closet.

Don't overbook yourself or your kids. If there's a big Saturday event with the kids and you've been invited to a party the night before, skip the Friday night party.

Try to keep some semblance of routine. Make sure there's plenty of time for sleep, otherwise everyone ends up cranky.

Don't let the kids fill up on junk food. Feed them a healthy meal before heading out to a party or event, even if it means serving dinner at 3 p.m. Remember, too, sometimes holiday dinners are held later in the day, something a child might be unaccustomed to, so prepare a healthy snack.

Have a picky eater and heading out to another home for a holiday meal? Bring some food for the child with you. One parent suggested trying what she does, telling her children to try at least two things from the holiday meal table. (Be prepared, however, if that translates to a roll and butter.)

Explain to your child there are different rules at different houses and let them know if you want them to follow your rules.

Going to be a long, celebratory day? Bring the kids' pajamas. Don't sweat it out over baths for that night.

If you are going to host a party that includes children, make sure you have children's activities. One parent suggested decorating cookies. Others suggested making sure to give the children something to do related to the meal, whether folding napkins or giving them pads, pencils and aprons and asking them to take beverage and dinner orders. Even if they can't write, they can draw or pretend.

What happens when a young child makes an inappropriate comment about Uncle Harold's size? The parent should apologize and then later explain to the child his or her faux pas and how to deal with those opinions to prevent hurt and embarrassment in the future. One parent said she tells her children to keep their comments to themselves, at least until they get inside the car.

Take cues from your children. Look for warning signs that the child may need a break from the festivities and let them have one; some start bouncing off the walls, others talk faster and some sleep when they are over-stimulated. If it's time to go home, it's time to go home. As one parent put it, you would probably feel less guilty leaving early than if you stayed too late, after the child has had a major meltdown.

SUSAN LaHOUD can be reached at 508-236-0398 or at slahoud@thesunchronicle.com.