Sick and tired of hearing complaints that their ticket prices are much too high, the Red Sox announced last week that they'd be making some major changes to Fenway Park in order to increase its capacity and lower the cost of admission. Red Sox executive vice president and chief sales and marketing officer Sam Kennedy announced that the proposed renovations should be finished by the home opener on April 8, 2008 - or if not then, perhaps by 2015.

"We're in talks with those amazing folks who managed the Big Dig," said Kennedy yesterday. "They promised not to dawdle too much this time - and I think that's a promise we can count on!"

Among the proposed changes to Fenway include 14 additional levels of roof deck seating. "The city won't let us build outward," said Kennedy, "so we'll just keep building up, up, up!" Optimistic front-office folks are ignoring engineers' warnings that the weight of these additional levels will cause Fenway to slowly sink into the New England soil. Instead they are working on plans to add five stories of luxury boxes atop these new seats by 2009. The following year, a restaurant, five-star hotel, multiplex cinema, fitness center, and helipad will be added - pending approval of the proper permits, of course.

One of the more controversial improvements is a plan to tear down the Green Monster - and rebuild the entire thing out of Plexiglass. "Once it's finished, the Red Sox faithful will be able to enjoy the game not only from on top of the Green Monster, but also from inside it," Kennedy said. The new Monster-View seats will increase capacity by about 2,500.

Speaking of increasing capacity, Dunkin' Donuts has partnered with the Red Sox to bring the fans even closer to the game. Brand-new "Section DD" will feature a dozen rows of low-priced bleachers so close to the action that fans will feel like they're actually on the field - because they will be. Situated in shallow right field just in front of the right fielder, each of these seats will come with its own batting helmet to protect the easily-distracted fan. In addition, certain changes will be made to uphold a sense of tradition and history at Fenway Park. For instance, the 25-foot Coke bottles that have adorned the light towers in left field since 1997 will be removed in an effort to restore the original appearance of Fenway's skyline. In their place, Adams Respiratory Therapeutics will install 30-foot tall versions of those lovable snot characters seen in the Mucinex television ads. "What traditional ballpark is complete without the mucus-busting power of Mr. and Mrs. Mucus?" said owner John Henry as he lounged in a pile of his money.

Clearly the Red Sox have had the fans in mind this off-season. And starting in April they'll be ready for you to come cheer them on, whether from a mile up in the air, inside the left field wall, or smack in right field. Just be sure to keep your eye on the ball!

BILL ZUCK is hoping for a press pass that allows him to watch the game from inside the jumbo screen in center field. You can reach him at wcz78@yahoo.com.