You have no doubt heard the term "bathroom humor." Well now, thanks to a couple of members of the Wrentham Board of Selectmen there is a new term out there in the public realm - "restroom politics."

Two local politicians arguing with each other is nothing new. But these two Wrentham selectmen have taken their personal and political differences to a whole new level.

Selectmen Robert Cohen and John Zizza have each accused the other of intimidation and assault. As if that were not unusual enough, the alleged assaults took place in - of all places - the town hall men's restroom.

According to police reports published on Cohen's website, the dispute began when Zizza apparently pulled copies of Selectman Cohen's nomination papers looking for forged signatures. The two had a conversation in the restroom with each saying they felt threatened.

It has been suggested in some circles that all boards of selectmen should meet in restrooms, the thinking being it is a fitting home for what they tend to sling around. That seems a bit harsh. Clearly these two elected officials need to settle their personal differences and concentrate on the jobs they were elected to perform. But how do they get past this? What steps can they take to put the "Great Restroom Incident" behind them - so to speak?

Well, your intrepid local columnist has thought long and hard on this unsanitary subject. If Cohen and Zizza want to wash their hands of this incident and flush their differences away there are some steps they can take.

Though my suggestions may be somewhat unconventional, I believe unusual times call for unusual solutions. So with tongue firmly planted in cheek (you know what I mean there) I offer the following solutions:

Urinal cakes at 10 paces: The two officials can perform a duel of sorts, with each striding out 10 paces in the opposite direction. They then whirl and are allowed to hurl urinal cakes at their opponent until only one is standing. To stay within the bounds of good taste, no throwing below the belt will be allowed.

Liquid soap wrestling: Each selectman is greased up with liquid soap, and then must wrestle their counterpart. First one to pin the other for a three-count is declared the winner and will receive an apology from the loser. It is strongly suggested this one not be broadcast on local cable television.

Toilet brush fencing: A classical confrontation in the spirit of the Mouseketeers - er, I mean Musketeers. The two public servants can parry and riposte on the town common surrounded by cheering supporters. Of course, the toilet brushes will be wrapped in protective covering to avoid those nasty bristle scratches. No sense anyone getting truly hurt here.

Toilet-papering competition: Each town official is given a limited supply of toilet paper with which to decorate the home of his antagonist. Points will be awarded for creativity, completeness of coverage, and of course softness. There will be no papering of family members allowed.

Porcelain cleaning contest: The two deadly rivals will each be assigned a toilet to clean. They get to use the cleansers of their choice, and their work will be inspected by an independent blue-ribbon panel appointed by the other three selectmen. The winner is deemed the credible one.

Of course, there is another alternative.

The two could meet privately and settle their differences like gentlemen. They could put aside their petty political and personal arguments and concentrate instead on the many problems facing the community they represent. They could apologize to the citizens of Wrentham for bringing embarrassment and ridicule upon the town. They could then get down to the important business of running the community and caring for the needs of the taxpayers and citizens they took an oath to serve.

They could start acting like adults, and set an example for the rest of their board as well as local politicians across the area. They could sheepishly agree they had been foolish, and pledge to work together constructively from now on.

Yeah - right. Like that will ever happen. Better break out the urinal cakes and toilet brushes, Wrentham.

BILL GOUVEIA is a local columnist and a former selectman who always avoided his town hall restroom. He can be reached at aninsidelook@aol.com.