It's time to get some probing questions answered, and there's no better source to ask than my old friend Never A Winner's cousin, Second Guess Stan. Yes, Sam's a racehorse, too, but unlike my pal Never (who, despite his name, did indeed win a few races in his day), Stan was a perennial also-ran. But he's got a knack for answering questions, so I put a few probing ones to him:

When can homeowners expect their personal bailout in the mail?

As soon as Pluto becomes a planet again.

When will 95 become the new 65?

It's a matter of time. With more people unable to retire in their 60s, and working longer to make ends meet, I'd expect 75 is already the new 65 and 85, and 95 will follow. Expect Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger to work until 95, and Keith Richards already looks 95, so I rest my case. When will 201Ks become the next trendy retirement fund, replacing 401Ks?

As soon as the government triples the taxes on our 401Ks to pay for the bailout of the banks, thereby making our retirement funds worth less than a week's worth of groceries.

What's a safer bet? Gasoline at the pump going back to $3, reverting to $4, or hitting $5 a gallon?

Do you really want to me to answer the question?

Unfortunately, yes.

Then think Hamilton, as in Alexander Hamilton. A sawbuck for a gallon of gas isn't out of the question.

What should we do about the high cost of home-heating oil this winter?

Invest in sweaters and blankets at Target and Wal-Mart.

If Massachusetts voters say "yes" on Question 1 and vote to repeal the state income tax, what will the state do for revenue?

Sell even more lottery tickets - and hold a lot of bake sales and a whopper of a yard sale. C'mon, seriously, what will the state do?

Ask Willie Nelson to do "State Aid" at the Comcast Center.

Will casino gambling ever fly in the Bay State?

When they finally make the sky the limit for betting, you'll see a lot of flying casinos.

Will the Patriots go back to the playoffs, or will Brady's injury do them in?

Did you happen to see the score of Sunday's loss to the Dolphins? The Patriots without Brady is what the tabloids would be without Britney, OJ or Paris.

Will Red Sox closer Jonathan Papbelbon be able to regain his confidence and once again become a better closer than an Irish step dancer?

He's already a much better closer than an Irish step dancer.

Will the Red Sox win back-to-back World Series titles?

If they do, make Terry Francona the manager for life and let Papelbon go on tour with Michael Flatley's next production, "Lord of the Mounds."

Who will win Friday night's first presidential debate between Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain?

The writers for "Saturday Night Live."

Who will win the Oct. 2 vice-presidential debate between Sen. Joseph Biden of Delaware and his Republican counterpart, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska?

Tina Fey, er, I mean Sarah Palin.

Who will win the second and third presidential debates on Oct. 7 and Oct. 15?

How should I know? I'm a wise-guy analyst, not a fortune teller.

Who's going to carry the country on Nov. 4?

Not Ralph Nader.

Will Pluto ever become a planet again?

As soon as homeowners and taxpayers get their fair share of the $750 billion bailout money.

LARRY KESSLER is a Sun Chronicle local news editor. He can be reached at lke ssler@thesunchronicle.com.