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Price of '12 Pains'







Song parody of 'Twelve Days of Christmas' hits the mark for those hassled by the holiday
Christmas is just a day away, and even more Christmas carols are flooding the radio airwaves in hopes of softening the hardest of Grinch-like hearts.

For those Scrooges who can't help but grimace a little every time they hear another verse of "Feliz Navidad," there are a few special "carols" - songs that cater to those among us who simply cannot find holiday cheer.

Take the spoof on the song "Twelve Days of Christmas." Fans of it no doubt cheer when they hear "five golden rings." The song "The Twelve Pains of Christmas," spells out for those holly jolly people what reality is, especially with "five months of bills."

The Sun Chronicle ran an Associated Press story earlier this month that detailed how much each day in "Twelve Days of Christmas" costs. The total of all 12 days was $86,609. Even just a one-time run through each item would be more than $21,000.

The average consumer can't afford that, so this reporter decided to see how much the pains of Christmas cost, which includes "rigging up the lights," a screaming "I want a transformer for Christmas!" and a grimacing "no parking spaces."
With the economy in the tank, just how much are the holidays really costing these Grinches? Or for that matter, the Cindy Lou Who's of the world?

Shopping around at local stores, here is the breakdown:

1. Christmas Tree, $24 to $44. You can enlarge that heart a little by purchasing it from the Boy Scouts troops in Attleboro or Mansfield. Though they'll probably help you put it on your car, you still have to put it up in your house.

2. Christmas lights, $5 to $20. Whether they are outdoor lights to brighten up your neighborhood or the tangled-up lights that go around the Christmas tree, they're at the Mansfield Home Depot for a half-way decent set. Electricity, of course, is extra.

3. Hangovers, $20.38 or $46.98. The third pain of Christmas, of course, is the result of something many wouldn't consider a pain at all. If you hope to give one as a gift, a bottle of Jameson Whiskey at Boulevard Liquors in North Attleboro will do the trick at $26.99 for a 750 ml bottle. If beer is your thing, try the Sam Adams Winter Classics, a 12-pack for $14.39. The more traditional route of eggnog will cost the Jameson, plus the eggs, nutmeg, milk, and sugar. After all the celebrating, take the chaser, a pill touted to get rid of those hangovers. At $5.99 and $19.99 at Rite Aid in Plainville, it depends on how much alcohol you need to get through the holidays.

4. Christmas cards, $2.99. Looking for repetitiveness this holiday season? Filling out Christmas cards, and then mailing them checks in as the fourth pain. At Target in Plainville, you can purchase a 10-pack of cards, but don't forget the 42-cent stamp for each one of those cards.

5. Five months of bills, $687. And when the holidays are over, don't forget those bills that go along with the season. Wracked up on Visa, Discover or American Express, this year national polls estimate estimate parents are spending almost 200 bucks less than last year. The bad news, Cindy Lou Who? It's all tied into the sinking economy.

6. In-laws, $51.49. Unavoidably, those in-laws come over, and that means you have to feed them. A traditional Christmas dinner will run you at the Stop & Shop in Plainville about $15 for ham, $1.50 for pineapple, $1.50 for two cans of green beans, $1.50 for a box of Stove Top stuffing, $1 for cranberry sauce, $9 for a basket of holiday cookies, and for a 2-pound fruit cake from Amazon.com, it's another $21.99. Oh, don't forget the hours spent steaming over the stove.

7.Charities, $306 billion in 2007. Seen at Stop and Shop, Emerald Square mall and everywhere else shoppers congregate this time of year, the Salvation Army and other charities are on the prowl to help those less fortunate with small ringing bells. According to Charitynavigator.org, 75 percent of donations are from individuals.

8. Whining children, $9.99. The children, who the holidays are really for, could be whining or lovable. If they're screaming, it could bring on a pounding headache, especially when followed by a few too many eggnogs. Extra Strength Tylenol, 100 capsules, are at the CVS on Route 152 in Attleboro.
9. Finding parking spaces, $6.60. Just how much is your time worth? Using an equation off Yahoo.com finance, and factoring the average income of Southeastern Massachusetts residents and the cost of living for Bristol County, it comes to almost $20 per hour. If it takes you 20 minutes to find a parking space at Wrentham Village Premium Outlets, it cost you $6.60. That's almost half of the Sam Adam's pack.

10. Batteries not included, $5.99. At CVS, that's the cost of a pack of 10 Alkaline AA. How many packs you might need depends, so count up the toys and electronic gizmos you bought, and multiply.

11. Stale TV specials, $39.99. Marathons of TV specials are aired, from a jolly snowman to Rudolph's glowing red nose. At FYE in Emerald Square, a package of "stale" TV specials includes the originals of "Frosty the Snowman," "Frosty Returns," "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer," "Santa's Coming to Town," "Little Drummer Boy," and an adaptation of Charles Dickens' "Cricket On the Hearth" as a bonus. That's not including the hours spent watching them.

12. Singing Christmas carols, $1.88. If you are feeling charitable, by a CD for $1.88 with proceeds benefiting Toys for Tots. Or be a Grinch and buy one that includes everything at $19.99, also at FYE. Just watch out for those 3-year-olds singing them over and over again. Tylenol?

Well, if you follow the holiday traditions sung in the "Twelve Pains," it comes out to about $859.52, charities not included.

So, are the headaches, screaming children, cooking, hangovers, Christmas movies, extra frustration and in-laws really worth it?

Of course. It's the most wonderful time of the year, after all, and some of the more painful parts serve to show us the true joy of the holiday season.

 


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