Last modified: Sunday, June 21, 2009 2:19 AM EDT First friendsShowing affection, like President Barack Obama does with first lady Michelle Obama, can be great for kids. SHEA-TAYLOR: How to be a great dad? Look to White House President Barack Obama is widely viewed as a great dad. He appears to be, but not solely because he dotes on his daughters. It's because he also dotes on Michelle, their mother. Good fathers tend to be defined by their relative willingness to make decent money, share diapering, toss a football, barbecue and spoil the kids. Less often discussed is what's most vital. That's the degree to which dads respect moms, a message absent from Father's Day greeting cards and from Hollywood, more the wisdom of therapy, church, family organizations. "When I get married, I can only hope that I will have found someone who loves me as much as Dad loves Mom," said Rebecca Lobo, a basketball player quoted in Reader's Digest, referenced by Victor M. Parachin in Scouting magazine. "Because there was always so much love in the family, I grew up with an incredible security blanket...the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." It's a cloaked warning for angry divorcing parents and for overburdened intact families, mom and dad often so rushed and distracted that respect gets trampled. Guess who loses out? Fathers who belittle mothers, some studies suggest, set up children, especially daughters, to strive for dad's respect by also under-valuing mom and her special qualities. "Recently I heard of a father who foolishly called his beautiful, intelligent wife 'stupid' and 'dumb' in a most degrading manner for some small mistake that she had innocently made," Elder F. Melvin Hammond of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints writes in a online commentary, "Dad, Are You Awake?" "The children listened, embarrassed and frightened. She was belittled in front of those that she loved most. Although an apology and forgiveness were expressed, there remained the hurt and shame of a senseless moment." In contrast are David Wroblewski's playful passages in his first novel "Edgar Sawtelle" between parents bantering over their son's question: "How did you two meet?" "It was love at first sight," his mother would tell him loudly. "He couldn't take his eyes off me. It was embarrassing, really. I married him out of a sense of mercy." "Don't you believe it," his father would shout from another room. "She chased me like a madwoman! She threw herself at my feet every chance she got. Her doctors said she could be a danger to herself unless I agreed to take her in." If parents do not model respect and intimacy with one another, their children as adults may face unnecessarily trying times in their own relationships. Dad, want to be viewed as a great parent today by your kids? Flirt like mad with their mother. BETSY SHEA-TAYLOR, a former editor and writer for The Sun Chronicle, is a freelance writer. She can be reached at prosewing@aol.com.